Relationships outside marriage

The last lesson explained that zina is prohibited. This lesson turns to everyday life: relationships, boundaries, modesty, and what to do if you are in a relationship right now. Some of this may touch your own life closely, so go gently with yourself.

Intimacy belongs in marriage

In Islam, love and physical intimacy are not shameful. They are a blessing, and their place is marriage (nikah). Allah describes marriage like this:

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.

Quran 30:21 (translation of the meaning)

Because intimacy is so precious, Islam keeps it inside a committed and protected bond. This is why Islam does not allow boyfriend and girlfriend relationships that involve physical intimacy or being alone together, and why Muslims get to know a possible spouse respectfully and with clear intentions.

The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, encouraged marriage for those who are able:

Those who can afford marriage should marry, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity.

Sahih al-Bukhari 5066 and Sahih Muslim 1400 (agreed upon)

Modesty and simple boundaries

Islam protects hearts with haya: modesty, or a healthy sense of shyness. The Prophet said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari 6117 and Sahih Muslim 37.) Here are the clear, basic boundaries between a man and a woman who are not married to each other or closely related:

• Lower your gaze. Allah tells believing men to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, and the next verse gives the same instruction to believing women (24:30-31). If your eyes fall on something by accident, the Prophet taught simply to turn your gaze away (Sahih Muslim 2159).

• Do not be alone together in private. The Prophet taught that a man should not be alone in private with a woman unless a mahram of hers is present, meaning a close male relative she can never marry, such as her father or brother (Sahih al-Bukhari 5233 and Sahih Muslim 1341).

• Keep conversations respectful. Flirting and private romantic conversations are the kind of steps that lead toward zina, which the Quran tells us not even to approach.

• Dress modestly. Modest dress is part of haya for both men and women. The details are a topic of their own, and your local masjid can help.

Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.

Quran 24:30 (translation of the meaning)

If you are in a relationship right now

Many people become Muslim while they are already in a relationship, or already married to someone who is not Muslim. If this is you, you are not alone, and your situation deserves care, not panic.

Here are the clear, agreed basics:

• Intimacy outside marriage is not permitted. If you are in a relationship without marriage, the physical side of it needs to stop.

• If you and your partner hope to build a life together, marriage is the path Islam gives. Islam has specific guidance on whom a Muslim may marry, and it depends on details such as whether you are a man or a woman and what your partner believes.

• If you are already married, do not make sudden decisions about your marriage based on something you read online, including this lesson.

Situations like these have real details that matter, and scholars handle them with great care. Please speak privately with a trusted scholar or the imam of your local masjid, and explain your situation honestly. You can also ask for a mentor on this site, who can help you find the right person to talk to.

Whatever your next steps are, be honest and kind with the other person. Good character matters most in hard conversations.

This is the last lesson of this step. The short knowledge check below reviews what you learned about alcohol, pork, zina, and relationships.